Why You Should Buy Your Kids New Underwear

Does anyone else have issues with their underwear?

I mean, surely I'm not the only one who finds subtle ways of pulling one side of their slightly-too- small undergarment out from the dark recesses of their behind or has to trade a clean pair of underwear for cotton-lined pantyhose because the laundry is behind. (PANTYhose. It counts, doesn't it?) And surely I'm not the only one who has thrown a pair of clean underwear that was pulled from the washing machine into the microwave to dry.

I KNOW I'm not the only one because I got that idea from a homeschooling mom online! People may ask you all day where the microwave popcorn is, but at least you don't have to worry about having ax X-rated Marilyn Monroe moment. (By the way, the microwave trick doesn't work very well. You thought about it, didn't you?)

We all have issues with our underwear.

However, mine started at the tender age of...oh, I don't remember how old, but I was in elementary school.

It was a bright, sunny day in Sacramento, California. The kind of day where it's warm enough to go out in the morning and not need a jacket... or tights to go with a cute, little white dress. Ohhh, how I wish I had worn tights that day.

The school bus picked me up at the daycare center I attended. (Any Eager Beaver alumni here? Make a comment and REPRESENT!) The front of the property was the provider's house and the big building in the back was the daycare center.

Because the street was so far from the daycare center, I had to stand at the door of the center and wait until the bus pulled up to the sidewalk. From there I would run to the sidewalk and board the bus.

So, as I said, I was standing there in my cute, little white dress without a jacket or tights and, as usual, the school bus arrived. I smiled and took off running.

And that is when my first memorable issue with underwear occurred. As I was running ACROSS the daycare center lot, my underwear was running DOWN- yes, DOWN MY LEGS!!! I realized it once they hit my knees. I was horrified! I quickly reached down, pulled them up, then did this little running-while-pulling-up-my-underwear thing. I'd make it about 5 steps and have to pull them up again. Run, pull. Run, pull, all the way to the bus.

When I reached the bus, my underwear were somewhere around my thighs and I knew I was going to have to lift my legs and climb those steps. I was mortified! I couldn't pull them up because even if none of the kids on the bus saw me pulling up my underwear already (doubtful), they would certainly see me now!

So, I took REALLY BIG steps with the hopes that my underwear would find their way back up. I don't remember if it worked or not, but I do remember that I had a lonely day on the playground because I couldn't go play with my friends on the play equipment.

Parents, please note that it is for this reason that you should make sure to regularly check the elastic on your children's underwear. Go ahead. School is about to start...go buy them now!

How I Locked Myself Out of Our Hotel Room on My Wedding Night Part 2

If you haven't read the first post on how I locked myself out of my own hotel room on my wedding night, do so now!

Let's recap. We got married, drove off, went back because I forgot my purse, drove off again, went to hotel. I decided to help get the luggage, walked outside, forgot to get the keys. Locked out of hotel room.

So, there I am, standing at the door of our hotel room in a wedding dress, waiting for Travis to return with new keys. After what seemed like hours of people giving me strange stares- and the Lord only knows what they must have been thinking!- Travis returned and we, once again, opened the door to our hotel room. We went inside and Travis once again went out to get the luggage, but not before turning to me and saying,

"Stay here!"

Again, I'm nervous and can't keep still and time seems to be dragging as I wait for Travis to come back with our luggage. He finally returns, but has this puzzled look on his face.

"Rachael, where did you put your suitcases?"

My eyes moved back and forth as I tried to figure out what in the world he was talking about.

"They're in your car!" I replied.

"Where in the car?"

"In the trunk!"

"Well, I looked all over and they're not there."

That's when it hit me...

They were still in the trunk of my MOM'S car!

Ok, I only THOUGHT that sitting outside a hotel room in a wedding dress was embarrassing!!! How could I possibly call my mother and tell her that we need to come get my luggage??? She'll think we... she'll wonder... she'll look at me like... No, this CANNOT be happening!!!

I just couldn't call her. I just... couldn't. So I made Travis do it.

What? Don't look at me like that.

And I made him go ALONE (I said don't look at me like that!) to the lobby where my mom met him and gave him the luggage. Had it been my step-father who met Travis, there may have been high 5's and winks, but my mom was just as embarrassed as I was and that made for a few awkward moments for Travis. When all was said and done, Travis made it back WITH my lugguge and once again, we headed off to our blissful life of gas pumps, drive-through car washes, and missing luggage.

How I Locked Myself Out of Our Hotel Room on My Wedding Night

Yeah, seriously. Little did Travis know this was but the start of a life of blunders and expensive flakiness.

Our wedding was beautiful. 7 bridesmaids, 4 parents, 2 preachers, and a partridge in a pear tree. Ok, no. But there were doves.

Eventually the festivities ended and it was time for me and my new husband to head off to our blissful life of gas pumps and drive-through car washes. Well, that was after I threw the bouquet onto Travis' windshield instead in the direction of hopeful single ladies and after Travis threatened the best man with death or something if he didn't give him the key to the handcuffs where another friend of ours was locked to the gear shift. Being a "traditional" couple that believes in waiting for marriage before entering the marriage bed, Travis was short on patience when it came to friends stalling our honeymoon.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Headed off to our blissful life...

We got in the car, waved goodbye, laughed at the cans trailing behind us, and went about a block before I realized that I had left my purse at the church.

We turned around, I ran in, got the purse, we waved goodbye again and THEN headed to our blissful life.

We checked into the hotel, opened the door, and Travis said he would go get the bags. I, being nervous, couldn't just sit still so I decided I was going to go out and help him. It's not like I was going to wear my wedding dress again so who cared if it got dirty? I opened the door, stepped outside, and the door shut behind me.

Travis smiled and said, "What are you doing?" with eyes all aglow.

"I thought I'd help you," I replied.

"Where's the key?"

"In our room."

Silence.

"Where's your key?" I asked.

Silence.

"IN THE ROOM!"

Could this be? Are we actually locked out of our hotel room on our wedding night??!!??

Yes, we were indeed!

Travis went back to the lobby and got new keys. Meanwhile, I stood at the door of our hotel room (because I was too embarrased to go the lobby) looking lovely and dumb in my wedding dress. After looking at the faces of the people driving by, I think I might have been less embarrased had I gone with Travis!

But this story isn't over yet...! Come back Friday.

The Expedition Comes Home

If you haven't read about the Expedition going through the car wash, you must go there first!

I am known for my ability to get things done and get them done quickly.

Ok, I lied. I'm a terrible procrastinator! It took months before I took the Expedition to get repaired. I can't even tell you what all the repairs were that had to get done. Not necessarily because there were so many, but because I don't understand all that car stuff. Not to mention the fact that I tend to "zone out" during conversations and start thinking about other stuff. (A trick my daughter has learned as well.)

Much to my dismay, we had a $1000 deductible and of course, the repairs cost much more than $1000.

But alas, the day came for me to pick up the Expedition and so my poor husband, Travis, picked me up from home and together we went to the repair shop to pick up the car. We arrived, paid the $1000, got the keys, and away we went, me in the Expedition and my husband in his truck.

Now, I am so incredibly nervous when Travis is watching me drive. I just know I'm going to do something stupid and we all know that I NEVER do that kind of stuff. So when we arrived home without a hiccup, I was feeling pretty good. All that was left was the home stretch - backing into the driveway.

Due to the steepness of our driveway, we have to back in. Eh, that's easy. I simply pull over to the side and...

What was that sound and why are my garbage cans moving?

Yup! I drove my car right alongside the garbage cans on the street. I'm thinking, "I wonder if Travis noticed."

As I get out of the car, Travis approaches the vehicle and says, "Did you just hit the garbage cans?" I let out a small, "yes..." as Travis looks over the car. I'm thinking, "I didn't hit them that hard. Surely there is no damage." But no, not in Rachael's world. There, right where all the repairs were done, was a L-O-N-G scratch in the paint from one end of the Expedition to the other.

Travis didn't laugh about this, either.

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Just trying to clean up the ads on this page.

The Drive-Through Car Wash

For the record, I was medicated.

I HATE car washes where you have to get your tire on their tiny, little track. For a long time I refused to use them. But one day I thought, "Oh, Rachael. You can't live your life in fear of the track forever. Just do it!" Like I said, I was medicated.

I finished pumping my gas, got in the car, and with fear and trembling approached "The Track."

I surprised myself by actually getting the tire on the track and I sat back and waited for it to send me through the car wash.

Nothing happened.

I waited.

Nothing happened.

So I figured that I did not successfully put my tire on "The Track," and attempted it once again.

Fortunately, I was driving a 4x4 Ford Expedition because had I been driving my Honda, the car would have been a wreck. The kids were in the back telling me to turn around, but I had to forge ahead.

I got the tire on the track, sat back, and...nothing happened.

At this point there were people in line behind me and there was no way I was going to get out of my car and ask them to back up so I could get out of the car wash. Oh, no. I HAD to make it through one way or another.

I tried AGAIN to get my tire on track and when I couldn't, I decided that I didn't need the track afterall and I would just drive myself through. Hey, it sounded like a good idea at the time.

And so I drove, being careful to go slowly just like I would on the track. The water sprayed, the bubbles appeared, and the shredded rubber thingies came down. All was well. Well, except for my children in the back who were screaming for me to get out of there. They were afraid of the car wash. I think it might have been an omen.

And then...it happened. The side rollers approached. I never knew this before, but they are moved about by these huge- AMAZINGLY HUGE!- pieces of thick, thick metal. And they were heading straight for my car!

What I also didn't know at the time is that these AMAZINGLY HUGE pieces of thick, thick metal actually move inward and with eyes wide and hands shaking, I watched these AMAZINGLY HUGE pieces of thick, thick metal embrace and squeeze my car.

Oh, the sound of your car being crushed is something one never forgets!

I tried to steer, but everytime I did I just ran into the AMAZINGLY HUGE pieces of thick, thick metal. I was truly fearful of my children's lives, as I wasn't sure just how tight these AMAZINGLY HUGE pieces of thick, thick metal would squeeze my car. So, I stepped on the gas, knowing I had to get out of there quick!

I made it through, got out of the car, and realized that I had some explaining to do to my poor husband. Unfortunately, it was going to happen sooner than I wanted because after washing my car, I was due to meet him at his work. His co-workers got a good laugh and Travis...well, let's just say he wasn't laughing.

Like I said-I was medicated!

The SECOND Time I Drove Off with the Gas Pump Still Attached to My Car

I was pumping gas and talking on my cell phone to my poor husband, Travis. (Pumping gas while talking on the cell phone. Doesn't that cause brain tumors or something?) I finished pumping, got in the car, and continued my conversation with my poor husband, Travis. Suddenly, there was a loud THUMP and SCRAPING of the pavement. Did my muffler just fall off? Did I run something over? Did I...oh, no. I couldn't possibly have...oh, yes I did!

I forgot to remove the gas pump from my car!!!

I did NOT want Travis to know what I had done, so I couldn't slam on my breaks and go tell Chevron what happened. That would get the kids' attention and they would no doubt tell on me.

I kept driving.

As I was rounding the corner, trying to find a place to park and act natural, the owner of the place started running toward the car yelling, "Stop! Stop!" I'm still talking to Travis mind you, and so I could not yell back, "I'm parking! I'm parking!" I waved at the guy, who started running faster and yelling louder. The guy caught up with me, pulled the hose from my gas tank and yells, "You could at least give me my pump back, " and all the while I'm still talking to Travis on the cell phone, trying to act as if nothing is going on so Travis wouldn't suspect.

Eventually I found a way to get off the phone and then I went inside and assured the guy that I was not planning on driving off with his pump. He took my number and I never heard from him again...

...until today. Is it because he finally got around to calling me? Oh, no. Not in Rachael's world. I did it...(sigh) again! That makes 3.

Is My Life REALLY That Funny?

A few friends seem to think so.

After posting a few misadventures of my life on Facebook, a friend suggested that I start blogging. I think I'm more of a one-liner commedian, but I figure it's free to open a gmail account, so why not?

I run ads and yes, I do it with the purpose of making money. If that offends, then just take a bit of time to see what kind of blunders I make and you will soon be clicking ads and asking your tax advisor if it counts as charity!

Stay tuned!