In one way or another, we all have targets painted on us. Whether it be for criticism or practical jokes, at some point someone is going to grab a handful of darts and start a game.
Pastors have it the worst. They get up every week and tell people how to be like Jesus and are expected to practice what they preach, even if we would never expect that of ourselves. They become the target of our own feelings of insecurities, failures, and judgementalism. After all, it's easier to blame the pastor.
One tool people will use to throw darts at the pastor is criticizing the sermon. And so, to help all you pastors out there, I've compiled a list of 5 things you should never say from the pulpit, all of which I have heard said.
1. If you can't see because the overhead light that illuminates your notes is not on, do NOT say, "Can I get a light?" Someone might bring you a cigarette and a lighter and that could seriously cause some darts to start flying after church!
2. Unintentional potty jokes. DON'T double the word, "do" as in, "We don't do bad things, but we DO do good things." The "do do" part will make all the children make that laugh in the back of their throat. This will make me laugh, too because I just can't resist. This goes hand-in-hand with putting a dramatic pause right after an enunciated, "BUT..." Your dramatic pause will be wasted. Try, "However..." instead.
3. I'm not sure I should mention this one, so I'll try to put it as lightly as I can. Remember that you are NOT the microphone, thus you should be careful how you ask the microphone to be turned on. Read that carefully a few times.
4. Any reference to an rated-R movie you've seen. Yes, half of the congregation has seen it, but you'll be the only one who's the hypocrite!
5. And finally...and this one actually came from one of my junior high students...never, ever from the pulpit mention your wife's age!
My father-in-law has said some pretty funny things from the pulpit. I'd love to compile a bigger list, so bring it on! Let's hear from you!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
What REALLY Happened
I let the kids tell me exactly what happened in the kitchen and put it on video. This was the first time I had heard from them. I made them NOT tell me until then.
They did not use my waffle maker to bake the cookies (thank goodness!) but they certainly used their creativity. (I'm so proud!) So, please nominate me as Mother-of-the-Year...or maybe Crazy Mother-of-the-Year...or maybe an article about why people who drive off with gas pumps shouldn't raise children.
They did not use my waffle maker to bake the cookies (thank goodness!) but they certainly used their creativity. (I'm so proud!) So, please nominate me as Mother-of-the-Year...or maybe Crazy Mother-of-the-Year...or maybe an article about why people who drive off with gas pumps shouldn't raise children.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Need...More...Brain Power!
Well, I've had people tell me that they are going to post something in "The Post With LOTS of Brain Power!" but haven't yet. I'm going to continue this post another night. Meanwhile, I'm going to find out from my kids what REALLY happened in there!
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Monday, September 21, 2009
The Post with LOTS of Brain Power!
Sunday night I let my left brain take a vacation and my right brain filled in.
When my daughter asked if she could make cookies...all by herself...my right brain said, "Sure! Let the sweet child express herself! Let her know that she is an important part of our family unit. She's the middle child, after all."
As promised, I stayed out of the kitchen and cringed in the living room while I listened to the conversations my three kids were having. The middle child became the instant leader and put her brother and sister into action. Probably because she promised to clean up or else fold all the laundry and she knew it would be quicker to have 6 hands than her 2.
I sat in the living room and took notes on the things I was hearing in the kitchen. It was fun frightening to hear, and boy did it spur my imagination!
I imagine it will do the same for you, so today, you get to write the blog post! Read the following quotes that I overheard and tell me what my kids were up to. The first clue to get you started is, "chocolate-chip cookies," and the 2nd is, "3 kids." Put on your detective cap and tell me what happened.
premature p.s. (What else would you call a p.s. that's not at the end but needs to be inserted in the middle?) I have invited my blogger friends to use their creative juices and come up with some funny ones of their own. If you like it, check out their blog, since I told them they could shamelessly post their link. If you don't, make yours better!
And now...the quotes:
1. "Oooo! I got glop on the book!"
2. "Cookie cupcakes!"
3. "Rebecca! Hurry, they're burnt!!!"
4. "(GASP!) Rebecca! They're dripping onto the bottom of the oven!"
5. "Run it under cold water!"
6. "It looks a lot worse than it is."
7. "Wanna cookie? We overcooked them a little."
8. "OOOoo! Muffins!"
9. (Timer rings and rings and rings...)
10. (Timer has been ringing for 5 minutes. Does no one hear it except me?)
11. "Let's check on our ice cream!" (We don't have any ice cream.)
12 "I'm so glad Mom isn't in here right now."
13. "It's done. You can't even eat it now. It's just like ice cream."
14. (sound of something breaking) "Oh...it broke. Mom's waffle thing."
What the heck was going on in there? Do tell!
When my daughter asked if she could make cookies...all by herself...my right brain said, "Sure! Let the sweet child express herself! Let her know that she is an important part of our family unit. She's the middle child, after all."
As promised, I stayed out of the kitchen and cringed in the living room while I listened to the conversations my three kids were having. The middle child became the instant leader and put her brother and sister into action. Probably because she promised to clean up or else fold all the laundry and she knew it would be quicker to have 6 hands than her 2.
I sat in the living room and took notes on the things I was hearing in the kitchen. It was fun frightening to hear, and boy did it spur my imagination!
I imagine it will do the same for you, so today, you get to write the blog post! Read the following quotes that I overheard and tell me what my kids were up to. The first clue to get you started is, "chocolate-chip cookies," and the 2nd is, "3 kids." Put on your detective cap and tell me what happened.
premature p.s. (What else would you call a p.s. that's not at the end but needs to be inserted in the middle?) I have invited my blogger friends to use their creative juices and come up with some funny ones of their own. If you like it, check out their blog, since I told them they could shamelessly post their link. If you don't, make yours better!
And now...the quotes:
1. "Oooo! I got glop on the book!"
2. "Cookie cupcakes!"
3. "Rebecca! Hurry, they're burnt!!!"
4. "(GASP!) Rebecca! They're dripping onto the bottom of the oven!"
5. "Run it under cold water!"
6. "It looks a lot worse than it is."
7. "Wanna cookie? We overcooked them a little."
8. "OOOoo! Muffins!"
9. (Timer rings and rings and rings...)
10. (Timer has been ringing for 5 minutes. Does no one hear it except me?)
11. "Let's check on our ice cream!" (We don't have any ice cream.)
12 "I'm so glad Mom isn't in here right now."
13. "It's done. You can't even eat it now. It's just like ice cream."
14. (sound of something breaking) "Oh...it broke. Mom's waffle thing."
What the heck was going on in there? Do tell!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
So...About That Carpet
Like I said in my last post, my carpet is sitting under half the amount of water it takes to wash a load of laundry.
This is the 3rd time.
The first time this happened, I was surprised. I walked down the hallway in my socks and my first step went, "squish" and then I felt the cold, icky feeling of wet socks. I hate that.
Where the heck did all that water come from? Well, it didn't take me long to figure it out because at that moment I heard the unmistakeable sound of water spilling onto the floor and I knew exactly what happened.
How did I know exactly? Because I've heard that sound more times than I care to remember...which I don't. You see, there is a nice, big utility sink in my laundry room. The hose from the washer dumps into that nice, big utility sink. Unfortunately, when you leave the sink plugged after mopping your floors and run the washing machine, it overflows.
Leaving the mop in the sink has the same effect.
Up until this point, it had only overflowed onto the laundry room floor. And since I have laundry piled in the hampers AND on the floor, the dirty clothes serve as sponges and sop most of the water up.
However, when the overflowing water is not caught in time, it overflows past the pile of laundry into the kitchen, then into the carpeted hallway. The carpet serves as a gigantic sponge and sops up the rest of the water. Unfortunately, I can't roll up the carpet and throw it in the washing machine.
In case you don't know, whenever you pull up wet carpet that's 10 years old or so, it smells really musty. In fact, your entire house smells musty. In fact, your entire house smells musty for days!
The first time was a learning experience.
The second time a pain.
The third time...well, the final straw that leads me to my life theme question...
What am I going to do about it? I have an idea, but first I want to know what YOU would suggest.
(Check out Travis' side of the story!)
This is the 3rd time.
The first time this happened, I was surprised. I walked down the hallway in my socks and my first step went, "squish" and then I felt the cold, icky feeling of wet socks. I hate that.
Where the heck did all that water come from? Well, it didn't take me long to figure it out because at that moment I heard the unmistakeable sound of water spilling onto the floor and I knew exactly what happened.
How did I know exactly? Because I've heard that sound more times than I care to remember...which I don't. You see, there is a nice, big utility sink in my laundry room. The hose from the washer dumps into that nice, big utility sink. Unfortunately, when you leave the sink plugged after mopping your floors and run the washing machine, it overflows.
Leaving the mop in the sink has the same effect.
Up until this point, it had only overflowed onto the laundry room floor. And since I have laundry piled in the hampers AND on the floor, the dirty clothes serve as sponges and sop most of the water up.
However, when the overflowing water is not caught in time, it overflows past the pile of laundry into the kitchen, then into the carpeted hallway. The carpet serves as a gigantic sponge and sops up the rest of the water. Unfortunately, I can't roll up the carpet and throw it in the washing machine.
In case you don't know, whenever you pull up wet carpet that's 10 years old or so, it smells really musty. In fact, your entire house smells musty. In fact, your entire house smells musty for days!
The first time was a learning experience.
The second time a pain.
The third time...well, the final straw that leads me to my life theme question...
What am I going to do about it? I have an idea, but first I want to know what YOU would suggest.
(Check out Travis' side of the story!)
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