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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Why You Should Not Go to the Bathroom at a Roller Rink

I nearly had one of THE most embarrassing moments of my life.  As if the rest of these stories aren't embarrassing enough, but this one could have been completely disastrous!

Have you ever gone roller skating as an adult?  Talk about awkward!  Here are all these 5 year olds flying by you, going backwards, doing flips and landing perfect pirouettes.  It's quite humiliating, actually.  You simply have to resign yourself to skating against the wall avoiding 2 year olds.

You get used to it, of course, and soon you are playing tag and violating other posted rules. (Hey, those aren't for adults anyway, right?) But that first moment you stand up in those roller skates completely rocks your world, as it did mine.  So, before venturing out to the floor, I wisely decided that I better use the restroom.

So, imagine the scene.  I'm on skates, thinking about actually letting the skates roll, but instead choosing to walk in them.  I hit the bathroom floor and WHOOSH!  Better hold on to the wall!  (Ick!) I make it to the stall and shut the door.

Uhhh, shut the door.


UGH!  The door won't close!!!  How am I going to navigate this on roller skates?

Well, ever quick on my feet-err, wheels-and having born three children, thus having to use a public restroom while holding an infant several times, I used my left hand to hold the top of the door.  My nimble fingers take care of the button and...well, I don't think I need to give too many details.

Ok, so now I'm ready to "assume the position".  I bend my knees and...

Uh, oh.  My arm isn't long enough to reach the top of the door from the sitting position and the door is so tall that I can't do the filthy-gas-station-restroom position.  (Ladies, you know what I'm talking about!)

Again, quick on my wheels and fast as lightning I grabbed the bottom of the door and sat down.

I finished, even managing to grab some toilet paper one-handed, and began to stand up and...boy, how do I put this politely?  Do what guys don't have to do when they go #1.  Of course, I'm struggling to do this with my hand holding the bottom of the door, so I do what is necessary and reach for the top.

And here's where I thought I would die of embarrassment.  I'm leaning slightly forward, the floor is slanted slightly downward and as I grab the top of the door, my wheels begin to move forward.

I'm standing there, pants down, toilet paper in one hand, top of the door in the other, and I'm rolling forward, heading out of the stall where I can hear some 12-year-olds talking and fixing their silly bandz.

My heart is pounding a million miles an hour.  This CANNOT be happening!!!  These 12-year-old girls are about to be surprised by an "old" lady in roller skates rolling out of a bathroom stall, pants down, holding a wad of used toilet paper.

Hallelujah, I regained control of my feet and I left the door to its closed-but-not-latched self as I hurriedly pulled my pants up and regained my composure.  Like I said, this could have been one of THE most embarrassing moments of my life and I am SO thankful it wasn't!!!

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